


a raindance in traffic

by casdoms (moffwithhishead)



Series: season 10 codas [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode Tag, Episode: s10e14 The Executioner's Song, M/M, Mark of Cain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-18
Updated: 2015-02-18
Packaged: 2018-03-13 13:59:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3384215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moffwithhishead/pseuds/casdoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He gets ten minutes to breathe before he hears a soft knock on his door. If he's being honest, he's surprised that they waited this long.</p><p>Dean sighs and calls out without opening his eyes, "Come in, Cas." </p><p>The angel opens the door carefully and he knows that his best friend has a slightly sheepish look on his face.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a raindance in traffic

**Author's Note:**

> wink wonk, I'm so sleepy and sad, does this make any sense?
> 
> see, I should wait and publish this in the morning so I can add something about what cain said but I feel like dean would be very purposefully trying to not think about that right now or any of that.

I'm fanaticizing about doing a raindance in traffic.   
I'm fanaticizing about a storm to wash me away.  
If you'd study the laugh-lines, you'd see that I'm cracking.  
I spent six months now feeling like dead weight; 

The fighter in me must have died a long time ago.  
I must have been watching his ghost;

 

-a raindance in traffic by the wonder years

 

* * *

 

He gets ten minutes to breathe before he hears a soft knock on his door. If he's being honest, he's surprised that they waited this long.

Dean sighs and calls out without opening his eyes, "Come in, Cas." 

The angel opens the door carefully and he knows that his best friend has a slightly sheepish look on his face.

"I apologize," Cas murmurs and shuts the door just as gently as he opened it, trying not to make any noises, almost like he thinks Dean's asleep or something.

He hums in response, keeping his eyes closed and his arms crossed where he's laying on top of his covers. He's probably not going to be able to go to sleep for a few hours (although he has his doubts about it happening ever again), but he's not in the mood to hear Cas' excuse for why he has to leave this time. And he certainly is not in the mood to  _see_  it. 

So he keeps his voice quiet, carefully devoid of any real emotions, "Come to say bye?" 

"No."

Cas' voice sounds so sure of himself, of his answer, and yet still surprisingly timid. Like he's really not sure if Dean wants him there or not.

"I... I just wanted to see how you were." 

That gets him to reluctantly crack one eye open and he hopes his face conveys just how tired he is and how much he does not want to have this conversation right now, "I already told you. I want to sleep." 

His friend just gives him an equally unimpressed look and leans back so he's resting his body against the door, "We both know that's not true, Dean." 

Dean lets out a huff of a breath and closes his eyes again, "Oh yeah? Cause from where I'm sleep walking, I'm feeling pretty fucking wiped after that fight." 

"Yes," Cas' firm voice answers him again. "I may not be as adept at reading you as I once was but you're more than just  _tired_ , Dean." 

He lets out a breath of his own and must run a hand through his hair before letting that hand fall back down to his sides again because there's a quiet thump, "I can't imagine what today must have been like for you Dean."

It's honest and sincere in a way that makes Dean's chest ache and his cheeks heat. It's too honest and too kind and way too  _Cas_  for what he can handle right now. 

"Shitty," he answers flippantly, snuggling into his pillow a little more, still refusing to open his eyes.

Castiel snorts a little and Dean doesn't have to see to know that he's smiling, "I would concur with that sentiment. It has not been the greatest day." 

He hesitates before pushing himself up and walking over to the empty side of Dean's bed, hovering next to it awkwardly like he doesn't know if he's intruding or not.

It makes Dean want to scream and throw things but he just sighs and gestures with a hand, "Have at it, tiger. Just don't hog the covers." 

The bed shifts with the added weight and Dean has to stop himself from leaning into it too much, remembering the handful of times that they've been able to do this. 

There's space in between them this time, though. There's no touches, gentle and innocent or otherwise, and there's no comfort. It's just tension and nerves and palpable concern.

They're both worried about each other. They're both worried about Dean.

It feels like they're standing on a tightrope sixty stories off the ground and if they open their mouths, it'll tip them just far enough in one direction to throw them down to the ground. 

The only thing that he can hear is breathing.

His is overly calm and clearly controlled, counted out in his head. Cas' is nervous and a little clumsy, catching in his throat every once in a while like he's thirteen years old and sitting in his crush's bedroom for the first time. 

"Cas," Dean sighs a little and sets a hand down in the space between them, "Calm down and stop overthinking it, will you? You're giving me a headache." 

The silence doesn't change or break, there's no change in the air to indicate that Cas is reaching for his hand.

So Dean turns his head and opens his eyes to look at his best friend, his chest aching in a totally new way when he sees the sad look on Cas' face, "Cas, buddy..." He flexes his hand a little, wiggling his fingers, "I'm not going anywhere right now." 

Instead of timidly taking his hand like he normally does, Cas awkwardly shifts closer until their thighs are touching and rests his head on Dean's shoulder.

Dean's heart  _definitely_  just stopped in his chest.

"I..." Castiel clears his throat a little, keeping it quiet, "I apologize if this is weird. I - I can move if you wish. But, ah... It seemed to help Claire when she was upset."

It  _is_  weird - but it's a good weird.

"Yeah," Dean clears his own throat a little and gently takes Cas' hand that's resting on his knee, threading their fingers together, "Yeah, it's okay."

They sit like that in silence for a few minutes, not sure what to say.

Dean's so tired and being next to Cas, he feels like he might actually sleep longer than an hour right now if he were to nod off. He doesn't have as much mojo as he used to but maybe Cas just being there will stave off some of the dreams, at least for a little while. 

"I'm proud of you," Castiel murmurs into the silence after a few minutes, his thumb rubbing over the back of Dean's hand gently.

"I know... well. I don't know what fighting the Mark must be like," he chuckles a little, his eyes staring at their joined hands. "But I can see how hard this is for you, Dean. And I know how scared you were, before. When we found out what Cain was going to do."

He was. He'd been terrified.

He's not sure if he was more scared of Cain, what Cain was going to do, himself, or what he knew he had to do, but he can't remember the last time he was that terrified. 

"Any fight you go into with the First Blade is going to be one that you think  _you_  might not walk out of... that you might lose yourself to the Mark finally." 

Dean lets out a breath and closes his eyes, the topic still too fresh. 

Cas continues though, squeezing his hand gently, "But you still..." He shakes his head a little bit and angles it more so it's almost resting on Dean's chest, "You are a stubborn man, Dean Winchester. And that stubbornness is what kept you alive in that fight... it's what helped you win." 

He wants to argue and say that it definitely doesn't feel like he's won a damn thing but Cas will shut him down so fast his head would spin. 

"I know that you're still scared, Dean," Cas murmurs and turns so he's looking at Dean's face, not forcing him to open his eyes. "I am too. And I don't know what Cain said to you up there, but I can take a guess." 

Dean huffs a small, mirthless laugh and shakes his head a little, feeling tears roll down his cheeks.

It hurts the cuts just enough to remind him that they're there. 

"It won't come to that, Dean," a soft, strong voice promises him before pressing a kiss to his temple. " _We_  won't let it come to that." 

Finally Dean loses what control he's been holding onto this whole time, and the tears start flowing more freely now, "Cas, I don't think I can stop it... I don't think there's anything I can do to stop me from becoming him."

Castiel sighs and wraps an arm around his shoulders, pulling him a little closer to his chest without saying anything. 

"And fuck, Cas, I can't -" Dean makes a wounded noise, "I can't do that. I can't kill..." 

He trails off, the words dying on his tongue.

The Mark is throbbing gently and fuck, he would do it. If they got in his way, if the Mark took over and was calling the shots, he'd do it. He'd kill Sam and Cas without blinking.

The realization startles a sob out of him and he curls closer to his best friend's chest, a hand clinging to his shirt, "Fuck, I would. I - I'd do it." 

Cas just rubs his back while he cries and doesn't ask questions, doesn't press for an explanation, just waits. He'll wait until Dean is done crying, just like he'd wait for the rest of his life if Dean asked him to.

And ironically, that just makes Dean want to cry even more. 

Eventually though, Cas presses a kiss to his forehead and murmurs, "Whatever happens Dean... I will be there. For all of it." 

If Dean does go dark side, if there is no way to stop him, if Cas has no other options, he'll stay by Dean's side as long as he can. And even after that, when he's an idea or a ghost, he'll be there still.

There isn't anything he can say to make it better, to make it hurt less, to make Dean less terrified. So he just keeps him close and keeps promising him that no matter what happens, he will be there to hold his hand. He will be there to be his friend. He will protect him.

"I'm sorry," Dean whispers in response to everything, curling closer to Cas. 

"I'm sorry." 

"I know, Dean.... I know." 

 

* * *

 

_ Just going through the motions, just putting on a face.  
It feels like 1929 and I'm on the verge of a great collapse today.  _


End file.
